Dear Hollywood, I think we should see a couples therapist.

Oh, Hollywood. Our relationship will most likely end in divorce, like 49.5%, but we will give it our best shot until we both pull a ‘War of the Roses’ and end up dead. Or at least one of us. Let’s dive in, shall we?

I was born lucky. I had the “great hair gene”. No one in my family needed to start dying their hair until at least fifty. While my sixteen-year-old friends were getting highlights, I was adding cute new layers to frame my face. That all ended the day I entered Hollywood. My twenty-six-year-old beautiful brunette hair was the first to feel the stress and went. Not even like a cool older Diane Keaton grey. I’m talking full-on the ‘Witch from Hansel’ and Gretel grey. At least it still hasn’t fallen out? Knock on wood. Did you knock? I don’t have time to stop typing because I’m on a deadline to get this article done, and If I fail to do so then I get fired, can’t pay rent and then I’m back living with my parents, and the dream of becoming some weird combination of Amy Poehler, B.J. Novack and Lucille Ball are over.

For a while, I was lost. How will people know I’m funny? How will these key executives start calling my agent requesting my name? How do I even get an agent? Do I even need one? It has been 5 years, and I have just started to figure out the system. Producing my own work, going to comedy shows to meet new talent, actually leaving my house to network, and stop DM-ing Sarah Silverman on Instagram asking to be placed in her writers’ room. I LOVE YOU SARAH. If you read this, um, hire me? Sorry to my current boss, who is reading this for approval. I’ll buy you coffee tomorrow with a splash of oat milk and two packets of stevia.

But then, my dear, sweet Hollywood, you threw a major curveball at me. No, not canceling the Golden Globes, worse, if you can imagine: Children. Adult children of movie stars all woke up on the same day (I swear they planned a takeover) and decided they wanted to follow in the footsteps of their super famous parents. To make matters worse, my parents conceived me the same time Tom and Rita did, Spielberg and his second (third?) wife, etc. In case you don’t understand- Judd Apatow’s daughter, who is my age, is getting offers, skipping steps I have to climb, because she is repped (Hollywood term) by Judd’s agent. If Maud isn’t happy, Judd isn’t happy. Meaning, the agent starts drinking vodka at 5am. In simpler terms, I am screwed. Now, don't get me wrong, I am not saying Maud Apatow doesn't deserve success because she shares DNA with the ‘40 Year Old Virgin’ creator. She does, she is great! In fact, why hasn't she been in more movies? She's the perfect combo between quirky and serious. Ugh, now I'm pissed at her agent. GET HER MORE PARTS. Get Maud in there for the box office and then me (Amanda) in there out of the kindness of your heart, Hollywood. I'm funny. I know this because my mother, aunt, and grandma tell me I am.

So what now? I needed to know if it was possible to get into the room of an Allison Jones type without being the daughter, cousin, sixth-cousin-twice-removed, love child, tampon string, of a Hanks, Murphy, Nicholson, Sandler, Ryan, Spielberg, etc.

I finally was able to bribe my friend, a current agent at a top agency, to share some insight on how to combat and work with this new wave of Hollywood. You're welcome! Her real name and company will remain nameless because I would prefer not to be poisoned in my sleep. We will call her Hermonie. I love Harry Potter. The second interviewee will be my cousin David, a former agent at CAA. He wanted to be anonymous, but he’s family, so he has to love me no matter what. So feel free to text him at 123-888-999 for any further questions.

Both of them provided me with so much (common knowledge agents love to talk) I chose a handful of suggestions and tips that I found extremely beneficial. I originally went to lunch with both Hermonie and David hoping to get twenty-five solid answers. Why? Because that is the number I proposed to my boss, and if you can’t tell already, I really, really, really, want to keep my job. However, I quickly realized that I have made up this alternative universe, making the mountains bigger than they actually are. Apparently, this is a symptom of ADHD, which I have, so no surprise there, but it was refreshing to learn that like Scar and Simba, we can coexist. (This is the ending I wish would have happened and have been after Disney for years). Okay, fine, so more like ‘Meet the Parents’.

Let’s start small.

Number One: Screaming into your pillow every morning followed by dancing around your house possibly naked (if comfortable) to your favorite songs are a must. “You have to hype yourself up”. My cousin says into the zoom as he waits online for his adderall medication. “This isn’t a joke. I’m serious. You will release all the anxiety. You can’t do anything with it lingering”.

Number Two: You need to “just get over” the fact that these Hollywood children have a leg up. It’s like any business. Hollywood tends to think it’s special and while I am enthralled by its magic, it’s no different than Wall Street. If your name is Eddie Wall Street, your son, Martin Wall Street, will get a job before anyone else. Children of stars will be at an A-level audition because their mom/dad is a producer on that movie. However, Hermonie says, “If their kid doesn’t perform, people will be hesitant to hire in the future. He/she will be skipped to set, but only they can make herself stay there”.

This frustrated me. “Well, what happens if they ask their parents for another chance? Won’t they give it to their own flesh and blood”? I ask.

“The star will and will call the producer and in some cases that producer says no. Hollywood wants to make money like any other business. Period. Can I go eat lunch now?”

“NO! Then why sign one of the kids without knowing for sure if they can step up to the plate?”

Hermonie and David laugh when I ask them this question. Which leads into our third insight of the day, a little “tea” for you, my beautiful readers.

Number Three: “Look, they both say at the same time, you need to understand if James Potter ( sense a pattern?) is the top earner at a company, making multi-million dollar deals, we want James to be happy. We can’t have James running to another agency. So when James says to his agent, please represent my daughter or son. The agent says yes, and then in some cases hands the grunt work to the assistant” That agent most likely will not be looking after them until they book something big”, like Meg Ryan’s son who is amazing in Amazon's The Boys. (Is he single?)

Number Four: “Stop thinking having an agent is everything. We are in a different time. Yes, the catch-22 is still very real, but you just have to be smart. A friend reached out to me saying she saw an audition for ‘Curb Your Enthusiasm’ on Actors Access and didn't want to be just a number submitting. She asked me if I could place a call to the casting director for her. Turns out, I had just booked my client on a show that she had just cast, so it was easy for me. She was smart, she put her ego aside, and I got her the sides she needed. Use your resources”.

“Why didn’t you get me an audition for that, you are my cousin?”

Which leads right into his next piece of advice.

Number Five: “You didn’t ask. You have to ask for what you want. Directly. Do not beat around the bush”. Hermonie then chimes in, “it’s like any other business. Do it nicely, don’t be rude about it, but people like to see strength and passion. This is where you have a leg up with the starlets kid. You have to fight slightly harder and that drive doesn’t go unnoticed.

“It feels like it does”, I say.

“Even if one person notices, it’s a win”, David says.

Number Six: Groundbreaking concept: use social media. People who aren’t accessible are suddenly accessible. “These kids, you are talking about are on Instagram, Twitter, etc. Message them, look up their IMDbPRO and email them”.

For my readers, IMDbPRO is like this gift from the heavens. If you can’t afford it, I suggest cutting back on coffee, gum, wine, anything but condoms, to pay for the service. You can find out people’s contacts within seconds.

Number Seven: Always congratulate people. Hermonie says, “if someone you know or don’t know (even more important) does something well, tell them, send a carrier pigeon, whatever you have to do. Just don’t be fake”.

“So something like, dear Harry, not sure if you remember me, we met in the bathroom before the Dear Evan Hanson ride at Soul Cycle years ago. Just wanted to reach out and say congrats on the nomination/win for your role in Broom Closet. I love the show..etc?” I ask. “Yes”, David says. People take notice of this. “Even if you hate the show, never saw it, or are bitter that it's’ not you up there, It doesn’t matter”.

Let's be real. Everyone loves a good ego boost.

Number Eight: “I know it’s hard, but try to view these people as peers. Root for them because in turn they will root for you”, my wise cousin says.

“But they don’t even know I’m alive”, I say. “If you work hard, they will”. The more champions you have in this business the better off you are. Find your niche, be so damn good at one thing that they will have no choice but to take notice. It’s then a nice bonus if you have followed them on instagram, commented, said congratulations, etc. You may feel like just a number, but plant the seeds so when they call your name, you already have some connections. This new generation of Hollywood kids aren’t going anywhere and if good, will be at the top quickly, so root for their success, you never know what movie they’re producing that needs to be cast”. David says.

“Don’t be fake”, says Hermonie. Don’t go out and dm or hook up with Ron if you secretly think his work is awful. Find someone in your wheelhouse. Show them you are a fan and are passionate about their work. Like we said earlier, just don’t become a stalker.

“The lines get blurred in Hollywood between sucking-up and compliments, but if you are genuine, it is apparent. Trust me”. In Hermione we trust!

At this point in the interview, Hermonie gets a call from a client, upset about something that I can’t make out no matter how hard I try to eavesdrop. Upon returning, “you see?. It doesn't matter how high up on the pedigree you are. This business is cutthroat and people are disposable. If you don’t produce amazing work, it doesn’t matter who is who, you will be replaced.

“Can I get an Amen?”, David says. Instantly these two agents, who are at rivalry companies, high five each other. I shed a tea. If you are me, you hear the words “agent” or “Hollywood” and you see an image of a business that has five million door codes to get through the front door. This may be true, but behind them, people want you to succeed. “If you have talent and play the game smartly,'' David concludes, “you don’t need to have entered this world via Viola Davis’s vaginal canal”.

The end. Good luck. We got this.

A very grey haired, Amanda Berke